The Raven vs Ace Attorney
by Helen von Drama
Summary: A gyakufied pastiche of Edgar Allan Poe's poem, 'The Raven'. Originally posted on LiveJournal on 29/01/12.


Once upon a trial dreary, while I pondered Wright's new theory,  
>And the Judge's open mouth gave out a very gentle snore –<br>While Wright wore a satisfied grin, thinking that he was sure to win,  
>There came a most dreadful din from just outside the courtroom door.<br>"Who's this idiot," I muttered, "making noise outside the door? –  
>I can't think straight anymore."<p>

I can quite confidently say it was a warm, moist August day;  
>And, as usual, Wright and I were engaged in courtroom war.<br>Though my patience he was trying, causing me no end of sighing,  
>For truth and justice I was vying – the things worth fighting for –<br>And the rash, reckless lawyer with whom I share a strange rapport  
>Was now grasping at a straw.<p>

Yes, his rather sad, pathetic bluffing and his weak objections  
>Bored me – poured me with tepid tedium never felt before;<br>So that now, to stop me blowing off my lid, I stood repeating  
>"It's some simpleton who's trying to annoy me even more –<br>Just a simpleton who's trying to annoy me even more; –  
>This it is, and nothing more."<p>

But it really was most grating, not to mention irritating,  
>And I found myself berating the someone behind the door.<br>"Please leave us all in peace, or I shall be forced to call the police,  
>And they will make you cease your noise so you'll bother us no more."<br>When the sound continued, I said, "Bailiff, open up the door"; –  
>Empty air and nothing more.<p>

Now I was a tad confused, long I stood there bewildered, bemused,  
>But I was not amused at the disrespect shown for the law;<br>But there came no voiced reply, no shrill cry rang out across the floor,  
>And the only noise was self-supplied as I looked down and swore –<br>This I whispered, and an echo murmured back curse words galore; –  
>Merely this and nothing more.<p>

Then I shrugged and turned about, trying to forget the awful lout,  
>When soon again I heard a shout even louder than before.<br>"Surely," said I, "surely it cannot simply be the wind howling;  
>Let me see, then, who is making this loud noise that I deplore –<br>Let me see who is the owner of this voice that I abhor; –  
>It's a fool and nothing more!"<p>

On opening the door a crack and making sure to stay well back,  
>I was startled by a Raven flying through the aperture;<br>Not the least objection made he; for a second stopped and swayed he;  
>And, with mien of that Byrde lady, perched above the Judge's maw –<br>Perched upon his bare, hairless head just above his gaping jaw –  
>Perched, and sat, and nothing more.<p>

As I looked up at its face, my bright mind soon beginning to race,  
>I recalled the case that Wright had made against my old mentor.<br>"Though you seem to be quite witless, you might be a useful witness,  
>For a parrot known as Polly had to take the stand before –<br>State your name and occupation by decree of courtroom law!"  
>Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."<p>

I was stunned, I must confide, that the untamed beast even replied,  
>For there was much that it defied – namely, scientific law;<br>S-surely it should not have talked; it should have only squeaked and squawked,  
>Yet this Raven had just walked in and made everyone unsure –<br>And so we began to question all that we had thought before; –  
>But our answer? "Nevermore."<p>

As the Raven, nesting snugly on the Judge's head, sat smugly,  
>I was maddened by the haughty, ugly grimace that it wore.<br>On his one word, he did not expand – this was not going as planned –  
>So I was then forced to demand, "Do you know anything more? –<br>If you truly did bear witness, pray then tell us what you saw."  
>Then the bird said, "Nevermore."<p>

Enraged by the flagrant cheek that was streaming from the vagrant's beak,  
>"Witness," said I, "the word that you have repeated heretofore<br>Makes little sense said on its own, and until now all you have shown  
>Is that I really should have known there is nothing we can draw<br>From you, who seem determined to turn this trial into a chore."  
>He repeated, "Nevermore."<p>

As would be quite unsurprising, I could feel frustration rising,  
>And I realised that biting on my lip had made it sore;<br>Then upon my desk I leaned, and stood glaring at the feathered fiend  
>As it sat and preened its feathers, which sprang forth from every pore –<br>And there was nothing to be gleaned as I watched it bite and gnaw; –  
>Nothing, except "Nevermore."<p>

So my fury kept on growing; I could barely keep from showing  
>The fire that was glowing from deep inside my very core;<br>It was then I took the time to muse, that if Wright or I could choose,  
>The witness that we should use would be that parrot from before,<br>But, alas, that brightly-coloured, screechy-voiced, loose-tongued macaw,  
><em>He<em> shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then I noticed Wright looking incensed, sharing my own sentiments,  
>For his defence would be condemned if his case began to yaw.<br>Wright then cried, "Witness! I'd rather that you stop this pointless blather;  
>There are facts I cannot gather as your testimony's poor!<br>Stop! Please stop this vague recital; you must testify once more!"  
>Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."<p>

"Witness!" said I, "testify! – you are under oath and cannot lie! –  
>Were you present at the crime scene? If so, tell us what you saw,<br>Whether it was all obscured, or perchance the tiniest bit blurred –  
>Tell us what you believe occurred – tell us truly, I implore –<br>Is the –_ is _the defendant guilty? – tell us – tell us, I implore!"  
>Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."<p>

"Witness!" said Wright, "testify! – I've tried hard to be a patient guy!  
>But justice hangs in the balance – the very essence of the law –<br>Tell the court if it is true, please provide us with a vital clue,  
>That the one we should pursue is not my client named Lenore –<br>For the facts we can accrue if there is not a single flaw."  
>Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."<p>

"What is all this, some kind of joke?!" spluttered the Judge as he awoke –  
>"Get this bird off my head and the order of this court restore!<br>I must say that I am shocked to see this court so ruthlessly mocked!  
>Bailiff, seize that Raven! – you will be escorted out the door!<br>Get yourself out of my court, and don't dare come here anymore!"  
>Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."<p>

So the Raven, as is fitting, now is sitting, now is sitting  
>On a newly varnished shelf placed just above my office door;<br>And his eyes are now unseeing, for he's not a living being –  
>Yes, I think you'll be agreeing he's much better than before.<br>Last, a warning to Ravens, one you'd be best not to ignore;  
>You shall taunt me – nevermore!<p>

– Miles Edgeworth


End file.
